Finding myself at 36

 Its an unnerving feeling to not really know who you are? 

I had never felt like this before, in my head I was questioning everything I felt, everything I said, even everything I had done.

I would think back to particular events, such as the way I spoke to someone or even stupid things I had got up to when I was younger and I would start to feel embarrassed, paranoid about whether that's how I was remembered, often overplaying scenarios in my head about how or what I should have done differently "that's Steve Whitworth he was a right twat when he was younger" was how I worried people spoke about me.    (to be fair there were a lot of times I fitted that bill)

I quickly realised that although my counselling had been a great way for me to unburden 20 years of grief and anger it had opened a whole other box of shit that I had no idea was coming.

Officially I was diagnosed with complex PTSD (survivor syndrome) even this would make me embarrassed to think about, as what I had witnessed was nothing compared to others. I know now that things can affect us all differently so I don't dwell on it much anymore. 

Apart from my wife and my two boys Zac and Alfie, joining the army is my greatest achievement, 5 years that are full of adventures and amazing memories, but also some sad ones too. - I don't want to go into detail as I'm not ready to write about it yet but in short a small group of us only 17 at the time lost a mate in a tragic accident, I still remember that day vividly but it was the days after that shaped my future emotions my mindset and how I lived my life.

The support now in the armed forces for veterans with mental health issues is fantastic, but back in '02 it was a case of 'chin up lads' or 'these things happen' or 'tears wont bring him back, have a smoke you'll feel better tomorrow'. old school nco's whos job it was to toughen us up. It did the job we got on with it.

The problems started from there really, I believed any sign of emotion was weakness and I would prey on any sign of it from others, like a wolf trying to pick the weak ones off from the back of the pack, "if they cant hack it they shouldn't be here" I would think to myself. In essence I was being a bully but I received my fair share of it too, 'banter' as we called it was the norm but you couldn't let on if it affected you, you would just dish it out to someone else to make yourself feel better and so on.

 In my head I never left the army, even to this day a lot of what your taught and how your trained stays with you and I have always struggled to fit in anywhere I've been since, in any job I've had, in any social circle, a bit like a chameleon I would change my personality to suit my surroundings, a lot of people who know me probably think I'm an arrogant, gobby, loud, over the top character but I've worn that shit like a suit of armour, impenetrable and unwavering.

This was the way I was for a very long time, and it wasn't until I started to have problems with my mental health and seek counselling that I could see how I had become that way. My wife has been my rock, she has supported me, she has cried for me and she has shown me who I am. Its not easy for me to talk to her and I know how much that frustrates the hell out of her and half the reason I've started this blog is so she can make some sense of it as its the only way I feel I can explain myself properly by writing it down.

This is where my love for running started, pushing myself past my physical limits allowed me mentally to put some of that shit to bed, it gives me time and space to analyse my feelings and I've definitely become a better version of myself because of it, its not easy and I'm by no means perfect nor will I ever be but it has given me that space to process to focus and to enjoy what I have.

more importantly I'm starting to let people in, I can talk more openly about things, I've even started to read (been a bit slack lately) this brings me perfectly to my secret man crush the man himself DAVID GOGGINS and his book cant hurt me I urge anyone to read it, this book in part has helped change my life.

an ultra marathon running legend and probably the only reason I have dipped my toe into the world of ultra marathons. a saying of his I heard recently kept me going on my first ever ultra marathon

 55km EXMOOR TRAIL ULTRA MARATHON    (click to hear it - You cant outrun your demons)

An amazing event and a whirlwind of emotions for me but you will have to wait for the next blog for that one, hope you enjoyed reading.

I'm currently training for my first 100km Ultra Marathon for CANCER RESEARCH UK click the link if you can donate anything at all     100km for CR UK