Completing my first Ultra Marathon - "the fire was lit"

I am no expert but for me the main problem around mental health and how its viewed by society is that it can be so on and off, I've heard people say 'you either have mental health issues or you don't' its this kind of attitude that stops people admitting or talking about there problems as they feel as if they won't be acknowledged or brushed off as just having a bad day,

This is exactly how I felt and it wasn't until I went to speak to someone that I could see from the outside what was going on. 

I finally felt like I could deal with my problems head on and running was my plan of attack. I know my issues will never completely disappear and will always linger below the surface but I now know what worked and I wont allow myself to be controlled by it again.

I mentioned in my previous blog that I had started to read, well I'm only really into real life stories, autobiographies and the like and it was around this time on social media that a guy called David Goggins kept popping up. he was an ex navy seal, ex ranger school and pararescue man but it was the stories of his endurance feats, in particular Ultra Marathons, and his philosophy on life that got my attention.

Give him a follow - David Goggins

He has a book called " cant hurt me " and it was reading this that inspired me to sign up to my first ultra marathon, we are all influenced, inspired even by different things, different people and it was his no bullshit look on life and his way of thinking that helped get me through it. I don't listen to music or podcasts when running but I could hear him in my head whenever I felt like giving up (there were plenty of times, keep reading) and I powered through. No matter what your into reading, his book should definitely be on your list.

This brings me to the day itself Saturday 31st July 2021 and ahead of me lay a 55km route of Exmoor with nearly 3000m of elevation. 

I arrived early sat morning to the start point, I was nervous, I felt sick and I was already questioning whether I could do it, I tried to ghee myself up "you've been training hard" I said to myself (I was soon to find out that my training had been nowhere near enough). 

the car park started to fill up with excited runners and I managed to exchange a few nervous hellos and smiles with some of the other competitors. it was a very strange atmosphere at the start line because of covid there was no mass start it was a a case of turn up and off you go, so after a quick check of my kit and a double check with race officials that there were no last minute route changes I took a quick obligatory start line selfie and off I went.

The first few miles passed by fairly quickly, I had set off with a small group and we chatted about the race as we went along, it was at around 10km that we hit the first checkpoint I drank as much as I could, filled my bottles and wolfed down a couple of cold boiled spuds, with a table full of fruit, chocolate, energy bars and sweets this was all I could stomach. I had never ran long distance and had to factor in eating before and even after 10km the thought of food made me feel sick.

the route so far had been very well marked and really easy to follow, my main concern was getting lost and it was a relief to keep seeing red arrows appear in the distance.

Mile 10 and I was feeling really good I had settled down into a steady rhythm and was enjoying the views by this point I had been alone since the first checkpoint with just the occasional runner passing me and the odd sheep for company, but to be honest I preferred this I like being alone in my own company and it gave me time to think.

several checkpoints later around mile 20 and after some serious elevation already I started to crumble, my legs were shot from the hills (serious lack of proper training) and mentally I started to go into a bit of a downward spiral, all sorts started to go through my head at this point, I'm sure the brain makes you think about other things to take your mind of the pain and boy was I overthinking! was I a good dad? a good husband? do people like me? what if I cant do this? it was all coming at me at a 100 miles an hour and for a minute or 2 I got pretty emotional.

 It was during this that I started to playback all the videos in my head I had watched about David Goggins, all his positive quotes I would say to myself over and over again my favorite and the one that resonates with me so much is - " you cant outrun your demons they will always find you, but you can look them mother fuckers in the eye and make them your bitch, mindset is the only thing that will get you through hard times " and before I knew it I was slowly ticking the miles off again.

Disaster!! it was around mile 25 and I realised I hadn't seen a red marker for a while ? fuck I thought to myself I'm lost, I didn't have one of these fancy watches that shows you the route, and the route map I had printed was pretty unreadable. I was just about to start re tracing my steps when I heard "down here mate" to my relief, I had stumbled upon a couple of guys who had the same problem, one had a fancy route marking watch and we worked out we were on the right path but there were no markings so we carried on a mile or so and around the next hedge line we picked the route back up, turns out there had been a slight route change but they had neglected to tell us at the start one of the issues of not having a mass start, never the less it wasn't a disaster in the end and I bid them farewell as they took off at the speed of a thousand gazelles!

for some reason this knocked my confidence, here I am doing all I can to keep one foot going in front of the other and there they are jogging off like it was a warm up. I never entered it to win nor did I think I would ever be in the top half of finishers, I'm only here to finish "its me against me" I told myself.

the toughest choice I had to make came soon after, one arrow for the marathon distance and one for the ultra distance. now the one thing they had told us at the start was that if we got to this point and didn't think we could do the ultra we could follow the marathon route in. I wasn't there to take the easy option the whole reason I signed up for the ultra was to see how far I could push myself so I gave the sign the finger (not sure why but it seemed to help) and I pushed on.

 by now my feet were in a poor state, I didn't have a single blister but my feet had been wet through from pretty much the start and I could feel the skin on the soles of my feet moving separately to my trainer sole !? I wanted to change my socks but I couldn't sit down. I gritted my teeth gave myself another talking too and off I went again, the next few miles were a nice steady decline all the way into porlock weir where the final checkpoint was waiting for me, I ate a few Haribo and asked for the time - I was inside the cut off but only just.

3 miles left yes just 3 miles and I'm done whoever had designed the course had really saved the worst till last, the arrow pointed me down onto porlock beach it was only a mile at most but trying to navigate those rocks each one moving on every foot placement was horrendous it sapped all the strength I had left I stopped to drink looked up and I could see the finish line a few hedgerows away, YES just got to get there and I've done it I thought.

que the final arrow which instead of pointing nicely towards the finish line I could see in the distance instead pointed up into alleford forest, it was soul destroying that last climb seemed to go on for longer than the rest of the race had but I made it, Now just a mile down through the woods and I was there, I crossed the finish line in under 10 hours I had done it, YES IVE DONE IT I shouted in disbelief that I actually had, I collapsed onto the grass behind my car and tried to comprehend what I had just done.

I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, yet I felt amazing, I was in so much pain but I was on such a high, it was hard to describe but as I lay there in the grass I already felt different, and for the first time in a very long time I felt proud of myself.

The fire for ultra marathons was well and truly lit and I knew this was going to be the start of a new chapter for me.

until next time ..... thanks for reading.